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How to be a Master Debater Kyle Fisher-Hertz Arguments. They are unavoidable verbal battles that even the meekest among us must engage in from time to time. Some people see these word wars as unpleasant conflicts that should be avoided and ended quickly whenever possible. If you are one of these people, I suggest you drop this text immediately and return to the fetal position. If you are ready to become a master at the art of debate, follow these rules and you are sure to put your adversaries in the fetal position in no time. The first step is knowing when and when not to argue. Though I would encourage debate in most settings, there are certain times when it would be ill-advised. For example, if you find yourself disagreeing with the author of this essay, the best decision would be to simply abandon any efforts at verbal conflict and just punch him in the face, because your chances of success are much greater in a physical confrontation than in a battle of the wits. Another argument which is oftentimes better avoided is one against a bigot. Though it can be moderately entertaining at first, you stand no real chance of making any impact on such a closed mind. Unless of course you too are a bigot and you are debating the best location for the next Klan meeting, in which case argue away. Some would insist that arguments against figures of authority should be avoided, but you would be amazed how often ignorance rises to power, and winning an argument against a superior is among the most rewarding feelings that can be experienced. Once you have determined that you are in an appropriate setting for an argument, you have several choices. If you feel completely confident that you are correct and can crush your opponent with just a few sentences (mostly applicable when you are debating a verifiable fact) then there is no need to delay the inevitable. You should simply interject immediately and end with the phrase, “look it up.” For example, “No Aunt Jill, I can say with unwavering assurance that Gene Hackman is not the Secretary of State, he’s an actor. Look it up.” If the conflict does not pertain to a checkable fact, but you are still wholly sure of your correctness, try a similar approach, but ask a rhetorical question and end by saying, “think about it.” For example, “Look Frank, I don’t care what you thought you heard, John Madden said Lovie Smith, not Will Smith. Why would Will Smith be calling plays for the Bears? Think about it.” It is important to speak with confidence during these initial attempts at an early victory, as people can often be intimidated into premature forfeit when faced with an assured opponent. Your other option, and the more practical one in most settings, is to sit back and let your opponent do most of the talking at first. Those allowed to ramble on uninterrupted not only reveal the entirety of their argument to you, eventually they begin to run out of gas and lose their initial enthusiasm. Among the most common rookie mistakes is not listening. It is imperative that you pay close attention to what is being said while your adversary is babbling away; otherwise it is impossible to make any counter arguments. When listening is taken out of the equation, the debate becomes a boxing match in which both boxers are simply wandering around the ring with their eyes closed swinging wildly. As you are listening to the initial argument pick out the weaker points that you feel you can most easily dispute and focus on them. Throughout the argument, constantly revert back to these weak points. Instinctively, your opponent may attempt the same thing, and address weak points in your argument. If this happens, tell them that they are, “deflecting from what’s important,” and revert back to your strong points, as this will put them on the defensive. Seldom will a debater come out and admit defeat, so it is important to know the indicators of victory. An easy way to know when you have defeated your parents in an argument, for instance, is when you hear a phrase along the lines of, “Well I don’t need to explain anything to you, I’m the goddamn parent around here!” While this generally means that you have not succeeded in convincing them to see it your way, you have won the argument, and this is an important distinction to make. Another phrase which indicates victory is, “Agree to disagree.” This cheap copout is simply another way of saying, “You have argued me into exhaustion and I can no longer keep up with you.” This brings up another key point: To win an argument, you need not always be right, sometimes all it takes is persistence. Whether you are confrontational by nature or not, it is important to be well-versed in the art of debate. The only true way to become a “Master Debater,” is practice. Therefore if you are taking this attempt seriously, I suggest you approach random strangers (who you are sure couldn’t beat you up) and pick arguments. If you want practice, but don’t feel able to do this, simply walk around a crowded area and shout a phrase most people would disagree with, such as “LEGALIZE CANNABILISM IN THE UNITED STATES!!!!” Eventually, you will find someone willing to challenge you on this point, but be prepared with a solid argument for your case (in this instance I would recommend focusing on the dual advantage of population control and famine reduction). I assure you that by following these guidelines, you will be successful in your debating future; and if you disagree, I’d be happy to argue with you.

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of having an erect penis. This may seem comical to some people, but I assure you, it is a terribly debilitating disorder which plagued me for years; it is far from funny. When I tell people about my phobia, I seldom receive the sympathy I deserve. Instead, I am met with a barrage of laughter, cruel jokes, and in the best of cases stunned inquiries. "Why would you be scared of a boner?" I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked this. Well I am sick of having to defend my phobia, for I cannot tell you why. Perhaps it is because each Sunday from age seven to age nine Sister Margaret would make me stay after at church school and watch her disrobe, and if she noticed so much as a twitch in my pants she would attack my male member viciously with a ruler. Or perhaps it is because one time my parents took me to see Cirque de Soleil and I became aroused watching the contortionist, and my mother noticed and immediately stood up and began shouting, "HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT MY SON THE PERVERT! GETS A HARD-ON AT THE FUCKING CIRCUS!" and then she looked right into my eyes and said, "Your dirty little mind is why your sister was stillborn." But truly, I do not know the origin of my terrible phobia, all I know is that it is responsible for a childhood of misery and anxiety. Imagine waking up each day petrified to look down and see the terrifying sight of 'morning wood' staring back at me. For years, the first thoughts I forced myself to have in the morning are sexually oriented ideas about my grandmother just to assuredly eradicate any possibly arousing thoughts I may have had in my sleep. Imagine constantly being flashed by attractive schoolgirls who took cruel pleasure in watching me flee the scene in a panic while shouting "YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME HARD! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME HARD!" Imagine the embarrassment of having to cover my ears and shut my eyes during some of the steamier scenes in health videos. Imagine having porn shoved in my locker with unfathomable frequency, leading to mid-hallway breakdowns. Imagine having to go home sick if my teacher wore a low-cut blouse. You get the idea... But I write this piece not in the hopes of getting sympathy, as I have long since learned the world has no compassion for people who share my affliction. No, I write this piece with the intention of being a beacon of hope for Ithyphallophobes across the world, for I am now a success story. I have been flaccid for eleven years and counting. Despite the severity of my disorder, I have managed to conquer it, and you can too, with the help of a single video tape. Few people know of its existence, and even fewer have ever viewed it, but it is the single most effective treatment for Ithyphallophobia ever created. If you are serious about defeating this phobia, find and watch "The Michael Moore and Courtney Love Sex Tape," and I assure you, you will never be aroused again.